It's been a long time

And I'm a little bored. So I'll show y'all the latest awful messages I've gotten from my personal ad. Enjoy these gems.

"Do you hate The IM?orJust me.LOL"

"Funny Profile..especially the music section..cut too If I do say soooo."

"Hey whats up HOw are you hoping we can talk wat do you say??"

"I'm working on the existence thing.the neuroscientist in me insists that's it's all epiphenomenal.still, it feels good."

"my cat was awesome, but now he's dead. so sad. his name was scratcher and he was the best cat, since he died I guess your cat is the best ."

"Before you think I lost my mind messaging you from Oklahoma, I will be for 4 months in Artesia NM, for my Federal Certification Training, beginning August of this year. Which brings me "within reach" LolI am a cop and work mainly narcotics and major crimes."

"I work in a library and for some strange reason I think I saw your picture before in some book about firearms. Strange."

"hello I'm interested in you"

"If you would, define "bike"?"

"So you like gun?"

"How are you today? I am fine, thankyou. I am new to this site, so i;m just trying to make some friends, get back to me."

"Hi, I saw your profile have a peek at mine if you like it let me know what caught me about you is that your pretty eyes."

subject: "hopeful"
body: "Didja like what ye saw?"

"Ok, but seriously, what did you think of those tax day tea parties? i didn't go to any, but I'm all for lower tax and less government involvement."

"im giving away black kittens if ur intrested i need to get them to a good home by sun.. message back if intrested"

"thought i'd send you a message to start a chat with you if you was interested"

"whats up? :D"

"Yeah sorry if it seems like I keep going to your page."

"Hey!What's up?Today is March 8... the Women's Day, so... best wishes!"

ok that one was kinda nice.

"Airsoft? I have one sitting around here someplace too. There is no way that thing could have came out of a HK factory...could it? If so, can I be your best friend? :P"

This one is my favorite, and he's actually really cool:

"well i have looked at your profile several times, and i just wanted to write. i don't even know what to say as i am so bad at this. i guess i just want to say hi? ugh...i hate when people do that to me. fuck. i'm scared. how do i look cool? oh wait...i'm on a dating site. nevermind. shit. i have to go. "

"Hi,how are u?you are reiki master ..can u transform me?"

"assuming that i was diagnosed with a mental-disorder, than indeed i would take a pill. i wouldnt even have to think twice about that, but I would never ever take a drug to improve my "normal" me. Hope that makes sense."

It totally didnt.

Thanks for tuning in y'all.

busy busy busy

I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog, but I thought I'd apologize for my lack of commitment as of late. I'm just insanely busy. Life is good- great actually. I'm at the top of my game... just....busy.

Some day I'll catch up, but for now you'll have the archives to giggle with.

April Fools!

I've always loved the idea of April Fools Day, but have never really been able to pull off some brilliantly-planned fool. I've heard of some great ones: my friends older brother was rumored to, in High School, unscrew all of the light bulbs in the entire house to fool his parents. This is particularly hilarious imagining the parents coming home, trying to turn on this light then that one... move across the room, try another light.. but then, the TV turns on! Try another light. Doesn't work. But, the clock on the microwave works? The toaster works? The fridge is on? WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I love it. I love this holiday.

I've only been April Fooled once. It was my junior year of college, and I was living with one of my favorite roommates, Amber, whom I also worked with at a jewelry kiosk in the Broadway Market (R.I.P.: it is now a ginormous QFC). She was rarely home, since she was usually at her boyfriends (Dog, that's his name) house. One day I came home from class, opened up my purse to find a little note inside. It was hand-letter-pressed the old-fashioned way, and it read “Wanting You.” I was pretty amused.. wantin' me eh? Cool. Who could it be? I honestly kinda shrugged it off. But then the next day, I was working, alone, and I was chatting with someone from a nearby kiosk, when I came back, opened up our sales book to look at something and there was another note! Same print, same paper, and it read “Needing You.” Ok- little creepy but still flattering... I was only bothered that whoever this was had seen our sales book... but oh well- I was nineteen. The next day I came home to my secure building to another note, this time on my apartment door that read “Watching You.” Ok, this was getting really creepy at this point. Actually, to a point of somewhat paranoia... Was I being stalked? What kind of a maniac did this? Was I going to be murdered? How did he get in the building? All of these questioned raced through my mind... this admirer was moving pretty fast.. three days and now they're in my building. Freaky. I told my roommate about it, hoping she'd stay over at the place with me that night, but she ended up going to Dogs. The next day I was on edge, and when I went to work, my roommate Amber showed up, and handed me a note: same paper, same type, only bigger with a Joker stamp on it and it read “April Fools Love Amber”. She felt so bad about freaking me out that she gave it to me and walked away, tail between her legs. How could I have been to naive? I knew she was talking the bookmaking/old letter-press class... duh. She had keys to the building... duh. She also worked at my kiosk so she had access to the sales book....DUH. It ended up being pretty cute and I was all moody and goth at the time so, it fit well.

And that was the only time I've ever been April Fooled- it made me feel pretty special in the end. Next year April Fool me, someone, please?

We made brownies. And I think we're dead.

This was in Seattle too. Ah, sometimes I miss them crazies.

Is this real life?

Ok, thank god for youtube and people with way too much time on their hands. They make my life better. Ok, watch these in order:



Now watch this:

Love them interwebs.

This is what The Agitator would like to see happen with this whole dumb Michael Phelps thing. I completely agree. Enjoy.


A Letter I'd like to see (but wont)
Sunday, February 1st, 2009

Dear America,

I take it back. I don’t apologize.

Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.

I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.

Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.

You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.

Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.

So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.

Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.

Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.

Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.

Yours,

Michael Phelps

Bicycle Mania!

I just freaking love my bike. I just got one a few weeks ago, and I've managed to take her out every day so far. Usually for 5-10 miles along the river, or even just bar/party hopping on a Saturday night. It's fun stuff, and I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. Here's Miss Blue, as I call her:

























I've become very appreciative to cool bikes now. Especially fixed-gear bikes or "fixies". Blue is a three speed, though most beach cruisers are fixed gear. I don't have enough biking experience for a fixie- it's pretty hardcore, yet so admirable. I found this site that has really cool fixies from all over the world on it. Frankinstein'd bikes, if you will. See them here: Pedal Mafia


My next favorite site was just passed onto me today. It's called Copenhagen Cycle and it's basically what it says: shots of cool people on cool bikes in Copenhagen. They even have a guide for wearing cool cycling clothes. Cute stuff.

So some day, when I have enough space, I'll own several bikes. A really funky fixie, cute beach cruiser, some euro-trash cruiser, and maybe some crazy trike of some kind. There's never-ending fun with bicycles. And the workout is great- really mindless... since you're going from point A to point B. And you save money. And the world.

Ok, I'll end todays bike rant. For now.